Turn away from my humanity

Through glassy eyes filled with salty tears
you can make no mistake of my humanity
If you doubted, now you are sure
i am fragile.

Rigid and forced, the tightened rope weakens
the strained glass cracks
the cold eyes water
i am flawed.

All that was pretense now stripped bare
and only the raw, ugly, frightful truth remains
A sight so concentrated
You cannot but turn away
to the complete awareness that,
Just like you,
Like her, and as they all do...
i hurt.

Family Values

Today at tea with my family, I looked around the table and saw God. We laughed and shared stories around a restaurant table as though it were our home because, as I later realised, they are my home. Many years ago my life began with ruin, the ruin of my family's foundation. A key piece of the puzzle lost to us forever. Now, though the space of my father's death still lingers, loss is replaced by a bond of acceptance, love and gratitude to have each other to laugh at, around a restaurant table.

The journey: Don Giovanni

It has been a week since my final Don Giovanni curtain-call at Baxter Theater, and with the relief comes that good old bitter-sweet feeling. Production time comes with late hours and exhausting physical and emotional work but also a means of truly connecting with your art. Some, I know, will never experience the unforgettable moment when, singing with the support of an orchestra, a house full of opera goers listen and watch intently as you share your soul, your voice and entrust to them the highest gift a performer can give to their audience- art.

With the joy of opera or any other art form comes great toil and difficulty, this is why it is a skill that takes a lifetime to master but this gift chooses you and once in does, your responsibility to it drives you.

When I was younger, my mom put a picture on my wall of a ballerina hard at work in a rehearsal space. The caption read: "What you have is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God". Regardless of your individual religious views, we must recognise our gifts as our responsibility, and the greater the gift; the bigger the responsibility.

I like to believe that in the end, it's the little moments that make it worth while. The backstage laughs, the jokes made from sheer boredom or the missed cues in the rehearsal room. These are the moments we remember fondly when it is all over. We remember the joy our art brought us, and we are renewed in our mission to press on in the hope that we may continue in this journey already paved for us by musicians past.

With all my Love:

Just Janel 

Sporadic Poetry...

Morning Visitor

I woke up early when the air was cold 

tip-toe, tip-toe my feet rush against the icy floor

disheveled and unkempt, the morning envelops it's visitor

Anticipation bubbles eagerly in the quiet

and its energy tickles the fingertips

it edges me to hurry on 

My steps quicken

to meet you

As thoughts cloud a sleepy mind

drunk with emotion, dizzy amidst the daydream

To taste the kindness that lives on your lips,

feel the sincerity of your touch 

to hear kindness so leisurely given 

to share the innocence of your company

for a moment to feel free.

 Just Janel

Take a walk in my shoes

This post is going to be quite "wordy", forgive me, but I think that you may be able to relate and learn quite a bit from some my mistakes, so that maybe you will not make them too...

I used to be one of those girls who never said no. And sadly, even when I said "no", it would not remain so for long. This filtered into my relationships too, making it more difficult to realise the fault.
It did not make me happy, nor did I succeed at my quest to bring joy to those around me. I would spend many days feeling depleted and robbed of energy, my complaints were endless and I wondered why I never quite managed to be...happy.  My need, sadly, was coupled with an inability to set inadequate boundaries.  A few bad decisions culminated in three years of my valuable life in an emotional war-zone. I realise now that in truth I had given away so much power to those around me, that I lost sight of my own strength. I now know that this strength, once lost, is hard to gain back, because the worst form of dis-empowerment, is that which we inflict on ourselves, because it is then that we become truly vulnerable to negativity and influence.

Boundaries, depending on the household in which you were reared, are either natural or learnt. I had to learn the hard way, as many of us do. A few months ago, as my life seemed to tumble around me, I re-evaluated my idea of boundaries. Though this is not always met with praise, I have come to respect myself enough to give power to my choices.

So start small, ask yourself what you accept and what is non-negotiable. Remember that your time, whether spent well or poorly; will impact your life and either make you happy or deplete you. Protect your emotional house, friends, and make the kind of choices that will help you move forward positively and happily.

Just Janel

Every now and then I get into a frame of mind that only a good night out on the town can save me from. We all get that way, I think.Those days when life becomes too serious and it feels as though you have to keep each ball spinning, lest they all fall. With two productions coming up and many other responsibilities, I know when to take time out for me.

So off I went with my besty, Patrick, to one of my favorite bars in town, Alexanders. Here an older eclectic crowd seeks temporary release and allows a distraction from the seriousness of life for just a little while. Quirky and cosmopolitan, of course I would love it there! Drinking Gluhwein and playing with an old typewriter I began to loosen, awaken, and allow my own freedom.

This new found state of freedom and release turned into me writing; something which, apparently, comes naturally to me in that particular state of mind *wink wink*. My poem, honest and truthful, read:

Follow me my love, 

follow me if you love me

I will give you my heart

if you just follow the scent of my sweet kisses

my lips shall lead you there

follow the soul you know can't hide...

those truths, those thoughts, those fantasies

follow me, my love

follow me

Feeling jolly, Beefcakes called to us for more laughs. Warm blooded and in all it's glory, it proved visually satisfying! Who could protest against those rock-hard abs;-)

We spent the rest of our evening dancing, dancing away the week's concerns. Yes we danced, for often that is all you need, often that is the simplest cure for a tired heart.

All my love

Just Janel

The result of my creativity.

Boy! Do I look happy to be there...

Gluhwein awakening my senses!

A laugh, a tear and a little Carrot Cake?

Do visit Michael's in Campground Road in Rondebosch

Desperate for comfort food and friendship from an old dear friend, Timothy and I went-a-visiting a place he believes sells the best carrot cake in town! I know this particular friend as someone who enjoys discovering new restaurants and enjoying good food so I trusted his opinion. Well, as it turns out, I am inclined to agree that it was indeed one of the best I have yet tasted, but what I loved most about this particular place called "Michael's" is the intimacy it seems to create with its space. You are served with the greatest care and yet still afforded the privacy needed for a great chat!

And chat we did! Tim and I have the kind of friendship that no matter how much time has passed, we talk as though none has passed at all! We share experiences and the conversation becomes as addictive as watching a new series! Well this conversation felt like this particular series had six seasons, we were on episode one and there was still so much to discover!  So we talked and talked...and talked and toward the end I thought to myself, this is what life is about! The friendships, the mutual respect and ...the carrot cake!

So if you have time, call up that old friend of yours, the one you have been thinking about for a while. Make some time for a laugh and a tear... and share some cake!

Take my word for it!

Just Janel

Absolutely Delicious! 

A personalised Thank-you!

Thank you for the support! Here is a personalised message to thank you for you continued interest in my blog!

Much Love to all of you!

Just Janel

I'm a Wanderer at heart...

Cosmopolitan City Wanderer 

Every day of my student life I seem to discover bits and pieces of this beautiful city that make me fall deeper and deeper in love with it's effortless beauty. Whether it be the forgotten little store in Woodstock that sells off the rack designer labels for a mere fraction of their value, or the second hand book seller in Green Market Square in the heart of the CBD, who has a personal relationship with each book in his collection. May be it be the vendor on the street with the latest knock-off sunglasses or the vintage store that seems to house so much clothing history it feels as though it is bursting at the seams. It is rich...so very rich, in diversity and culture and if you took the time to look around; Cape town- this little city at the tip of Africa, could change your life and your vision. 

With so much political history, South Africa has managed to come together in a beautiful tapestry of colours. It is unique and walks bravely forward into the future...strengthened by what it has already faced. This is what I feel when I experience the beauty of Cape Town. With the Mother City's winter sun lighting Long Street, I take in all it's wanders...touching it's fabrics and drinking it's wine. I am filled to the brim with a gratitude for it's hidden, undiscovered treasures.  

From the Mother City, with Love

Just Janel

A city wanderer fulfilled!

A book store on Long Street...the silence and utter peacefulness of the store makes it feel as though it is possible to breathe in each word written on the pages of these books.

The Second time Around Store in Long Street.

The organised chaos at Mabu Vinyl...so much to discover #Priceless

Two little residents of The Second Time Around store on Long Street! What an eventful day indeed!



Till the next adventure...

Just checking in to send you some love!

Happy Wednesday everyone! I'll be adding a new blog post soon, so don't lose hope!

Till then, be awesome!

Just Janel

Winter Cuddle-up

The Winter Chocolate Cuddle-up... 

Man, it is hard to be single in winter. All the while you are hearing tales of winter dinner's with the hubby or rainy weather cuddles with her man on the couch, and you are sitting there rolling your eyes like a teenager while thinking:

"Well I cuddled up to a Lindt death by chocolate cake last night? But that doesn't count, does it? Ah well, you should have been there, it was earth shattering stuff! I ate it all in one sitting...no guilt here! Only a couple of extra kg's..Oh darn, I'm going to be single forever!"

Yep, it sucks to be single in winter...or does it?

I recently turned twenty-five and since then it seems all my peers have started making plans to get married or have kids. The incessant questions of my love-life have begun to haunt me at every family gathering and has left me feeling quite dreary at times, especially since it seems to be the season of my life when people are starting to "settling down". Even so, it has been nine months that I have been a "single lady" and it's been tough at times but mostly phenomenally rewarding...and as one of those girls who was always either getting into a relationship or getting out of one I am proud of how far I've come.

I am happy to say that since I have allowed myself some freedom from the male gender, I know much more about who I am than I ever did before. Yes, this includes the fact that winter in addition to no man, for me, equals too much chocolate and nights when George Micheal's version of "I can't make you love me" is played on repeat! Long warm baths with a great magazine are a staple for my good health and there is nothing that goes down quite as well as a nice glass of red wine when I'm stressed.

Dinner for one is really not that bad when you are content within yourself, but hey, that does not mean I wouldn't mind date every now and then to keep my heart from freezing along with my toes!

Until then... Well, I guess I'll have to hit the gym as often as possible to combat this wild chocolate addiction!

Sweetly Single

Just Janel.

That moment when you realise, you really should not be eating this!!! 

Good Morning to all my readers! I hope you like the new look...post some comments and helpful tips to make this blog a better read! Can't wait to hear your feedback.

Love always

Jay

Dream Catcher

It's easy for people to kill your dream. Whether it be owning your own business, becoming a medical doctor or, like me, becoming an opera singer. I remember days passed when people would tell me that anything is possible with hard work and that dreams were in the palm of your hand. But as you grow up, too often other people's failure's cloud their judgement. Thus, the words of encouragement become: "It's hard, not everyone can make it" or "This is a cut-throat industry and I don't know if you'll cut it" and "I see you doing better at this and that "(which happens to be something completely different to what you want to do and have spent years working to accomplish). Yes, it's easy for others to step on your dream and it is easier still for you to give in.

I've come to realise that "giving in" is not always merely choosing another career path and allowing the bitterness of unaccomplished goals to haunt you, no it's worse than that... Giving in sometimes takes the form of being lost a midst others success. You forget what drives you and how your dreams used to give you joy,  and thus you merely exist. You exist on the outside of your own life, subconsciously accepting your fate which is everything "they" have been telling you...you forget that this, this too, is a choice. 

As these negative words become stronger and they try to discourage- hold strong. For when the words become louder, the dream is closer at hand. Live for your passion, and if you fail, at least your dream will help you up and lead the way. Sometimes the people you admire most do not see your true potential...you must show them. For only you truly know your capability. 

So with the words uttered to us when we were still young, raw and hopeful, I say too you:

"You have strength beyond your own understanding.

You will achieve your every goal and become all you have hoped for. 

Through your hard word and commitment, you will be rewarded. 

I speak these words into your future with fervor and true belief.

You will move mountains."  

Just Janel  

HE KNOCKED...

He knocked as though he were invited...

Through a vacant stare, my eyes met his

A knowing chill of dread and fear

A struggle and a desperate prayer

A chance and an angel...

on a rainy Tuesday,

I was one of the lucky ones.

How does a woman survive a rape, or an attack? How does she put the pieces of her life together and move forward?How does she stop peering around corners or expecting further trauma? This world has become so angry that often it feels as though we are under constant attack. How do we overcome? Many people will never know the feeling of fighting for your life but sadly, they will not go unaffected. We are all touched by crime in some way. It may be fearing for your life or for that of our loved ones. These are equally bad..both fill you with a sense of dread and often make you feel discouraged. 

ENOUGH!

There comes a point where we must decide to stand strong...to refuse to fear but rather fight for our lives and our dignity. We must not be victims but rather victors. Stand up when we see injustice and not be afraid to come between and innocent and an attacker. Would you rather be alive and an accessory? Or die a hero? Friends, it is time to fight the evil of the world. We must not turn our cheek.

Words of Truth

Two Priests and an old lady...

I went to church today. In fact I was so excited I got there an hour early. It was a pretty, sunny day and the walk was just what I needed and it felt amazing. It was as if the world was smiling directly at me and everything looked beautiful. When I got to church I met an old lady sitting on the stoop. And we spoke... Later joined by the two priests saying mass for the evening, we continued the conversation while I marveled at the calm and serenity of the church grounds. How beautiful...how simple life can be sometimes...and how complicated we often make it. 

The sermon caught me by surprise, I planned on a a enjoyable service and a happy ride home in a shuttle. But no...He spoke such truth that it seemed to sear my heart slowly, as though removing a growth that was protecting me from pain. He said...we all have two sides. We have an ability to be good and kind but we also have a side that is selfish and cruel. Once we admit this to ourselves and admit that we have hurt others; we will see our truth. He said that we are all broken, in some way or the other we have all been injured...but our hearts though scattered can be put back together. But we must rebuild our temple in a way that is pleasing to  God...if we do, we will stand strong. 

Those words hit home...those words are words of truth. 

Much Love...

Jay 

The Planet Art Creative Centre in Darling! 

What an honor it was to perform Don Giovanni at this amazing gallery. Have look at some of the artwork on show at this gallery with a difference. This gallery is a definite Darling must see...

The Darling Music Festival Was truly a wonderful experience! I am grateful to have been a part of it!

Love...

Romantic Love

Feeling the love at My Sister's wedding

Writing this entry is challenging. Throughout history people have written countless truths about love that with age, I have come to understand and appreciate. We grow up and we learn to love differently; deeper and stronger...or sometimes we become guarded and withdrawn. Either way, to open your heart to love is to take a risk. Recently coming out of a particularly difficult patch of heartbreak, I know what this "risk" is....I know how pain can change you. But would I take it back? Do I regret it? 

Today I look in the mirror and I see me differently. Though outwardly I look the same, I am...changed. This is what love does...cuts through the fabric of your spirit and fashions a new design. So yes, I would love again...deeper and stronger than before because to live is to love, and to love is to grow!

Here's something I wrote a while back, it's quite personal but I've decided I'll share it regardless...Perhaps you can relate? Here it is:

I think of you

In the stillness of the early morning

I should be sleeping

But the pain

Memories flood my mind

And there is nothing I can do

To erase them

And the pain...

Runs through me

Breaking into my quiet mind

Holding on to my heart

Changing me

Changing me

Pictures of us

Things that you said

The way you laughed

Make me cry

Stories you told

Words I cannot forget

The joy I felt

And so the pain...

Runs through me

Breaking into my quiet mind

Holding on to my heart

Changing me

Changing me

Yes, we are changed by love.The best of us...even those of us who have found their soul-mate are still tested. Love is challenging but there is no greater joy than the wisdom it brings. So friends... breathe love into every aspect of your life and be renewed!

From my heart to yours

Jay

Darling! What a beautiful place!

Many of you are aware that I have been working on a adaption of Don Giovanni to take to the Darling Music Festival. This post however is not about the Festival but rather the beauty of Darling itself! Look at the pictures I took of this quaint little town. With so much culture and beauty, who wouldn't love Darling!

The view outside my window

Some snacks for the trip home:-)

Our Guest House!

Always give back! Thanks for reminding us Evita!

Apparently one of the best places to eat in Darling.

Evita se Perron

Evita se Perron

Evita se Perron

Evita se Perron

Evita se Perron

Station sign at Evita se Perron

Guess who I found wondering outside my window

Evita se Perron

The Guest House

Evita se Perron

Do join us this coming Saturday, 16 February for the final performance of Don Giovanni in Darling!