Turn away from my humanity

Through glassy eyes filled with salty tears
you can make no mistake of my humanity
If you doubted, now you are sure
i am fragile.

Rigid and forced, the tightened rope weakens
the strained glass cracks
the cold eyes water
i am flawed.

All that was pretense now stripped bare
and only the raw, ugly, frightful truth remains
A sight so concentrated
You cannot but turn away
to the complete awareness that,
Just like you,
Like her, and as they all do...
i hurt.

Family Values

Today at tea with my family, I looked around the table and saw God. We laughed and shared stories around a restaurant table as though it were our home because, as I later realised, they are my home. Many years ago my life began with ruin, the ruin of my family's foundation. A key piece of the puzzle lost to us forever. Now, though the space of my father's death still lingers, loss is replaced by a bond of acceptance, love and gratitude to have each other to laugh at, around a restaurant table.

The journey: Don Giovanni

It has been a week since my final Don Giovanni curtain-call at Baxter Theater, and with the relief comes that good old bitter-sweet feeling. Production time comes with late hours and exhausting physical and emotional work but also a means of truly connecting with your art. Some, I know, will never experience the unforgettable moment when, singing with the support of an orchestra, a house full of opera goers listen and watch intently as you share your soul, your voice and entrust to them the highest gift a performer can give to their audience- art.

With the joy of opera or any other art form comes great toil and difficulty, this is why it is a skill that takes a lifetime to master but this gift chooses you and once in does, your responsibility to it drives you.

When I was younger, my mom put a picture on my wall of a ballerina hard at work in a rehearsal space. The caption read: "What you have is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God". Regardless of your individual religious views, we must recognise our gifts as our responsibility, and the greater the gift; the bigger the responsibility.

I like to believe that in the end, it's the little moments that make it worth while. The backstage laughs, the jokes made from sheer boredom or the missed cues in the rehearsal room. These are the moments we remember fondly when it is all over. We remember the joy our art brought us, and we are renewed in our mission to press on in the hope that we may continue in this journey already paved for us by musicians past.

With all my Love:

Just Janel 

Sporadic Poetry...

Morning Visitor

I woke up early when the air was cold 

tip-toe, tip-toe my feet rush against the icy floor

disheveled and unkempt, the morning envelops it's visitor

Anticipation bubbles eagerly in the quiet

and its energy tickles the fingertips

it edges me to hurry on 

My steps quicken

to meet you

As thoughts cloud a sleepy mind

drunk with emotion, dizzy amidst the daydream

To taste the kindness that lives on your lips,

feel the sincerity of your touch 

to hear kindness so leisurely given 

to share the innocence of your company

for a moment to feel free.

 Just Janel

Take a walk in my shoes

This post is going to be quite "wordy", forgive me, but I think that you may be able to relate and learn quite a bit from some my mistakes, so that maybe you will not make them too...

I used to be one of those girls who never said no. And sadly, even when I said "no", it would not remain so for long. This filtered into my relationships too, making it more difficult to realise the fault.
It did not make me happy, nor did I succeed at my quest to bring joy to those around me. I would spend many days feeling depleted and robbed of energy, my complaints were endless and I wondered why I never quite managed to be...happy.  My need, sadly, was coupled with an inability to set inadequate boundaries.  A few bad decisions culminated in three years of my valuable life in an emotional war-zone. I realise now that in truth I had given away so much power to those around me, that I lost sight of my own strength. I now know that this strength, once lost, is hard to gain back, because the worst form of dis-empowerment, is that which we inflict on ourselves, because it is then that we become truly vulnerable to negativity and influence.

Boundaries, depending on the household in which you were reared, are either natural or learnt. I had to learn the hard way, as many of us do. A few months ago, as my life seemed to tumble around me, I re-evaluated my idea of boundaries. Though this is not always met with praise, I have come to respect myself enough to give power to my choices.

So start small, ask yourself what you accept and what is non-negotiable. Remember that your time, whether spent well or poorly; will impact your life and either make you happy or deplete you. Protect your emotional house, friends, and make the kind of choices that will help you move forward positively and happily.

Just Janel

Every now and then I get into a frame of mind that only a good night out on the town can save me from. We all get that way, I think.Those days when life becomes too serious and it feels as though you have to keep each ball spinning, lest they all fall. With two productions coming up and many other responsibilities, I know when to take time out for me.

So off I went with my besty, Patrick, to one of my favorite bars in town, Alexanders. Here an older eclectic crowd seeks temporary release and allows a distraction from the seriousness of life for just a little while. Quirky and cosmopolitan, of course I would love it there! Drinking Gluhwein and playing with an old typewriter I began to loosen, awaken, and allow my own freedom.

This new found state of freedom and release turned into me writing; something which, apparently, comes naturally to me in that particular state of mind *wink wink*. My poem, honest and truthful, read:

Follow me my love, 

follow me if you love me

I will give you my heart

if you just follow the scent of my sweet kisses

my lips shall lead you there

follow the soul you know can't hide...

those truths, those thoughts, those fantasies

follow me, my love

follow me

Feeling jolly, Beefcakes called to us for more laughs. Warm blooded and in all it's glory, it proved visually satisfying! Who could protest against those rock-hard abs;-)

We spent the rest of our evening dancing, dancing away the week's concerns. Yes we danced, for often that is all you need, often that is the simplest cure for a tired heart.

All my love

Just Janel

The result of my creativity.

Boy! Do I look happy to be there...

Gluhwein awakening my senses!

A laugh, a tear and a little Carrot Cake?

Do visit Michael's in Campground Road in Rondebosch

Desperate for comfort food and friendship from an old dear friend, Timothy and I went-a-visiting a place he believes sells the best carrot cake in town! I know this particular friend as someone who enjoys discovering new restaurants and enjoying good food so I trusted his opinion. Well, as it turns out, I am inclined to agree that it was indeed one of the best I have yet tasted, but what I loved most about this particular place called "Michael's" is the intimacy it seems to create with its space. You are served with the greatest care and yet still afforded the privacy needed for a great chat!

And chat we did! Tim and I have the kind of friendship that no matter how much time has passed, we talk as though none has passed at all! We share experiences and the conversation becomes as addictive as watching a new series! Well this conversation felt like this particular series had six seasons, we were on episode one and there was still so much to discover!  So we talked and talked...and talked and toward the end I thought to myself, this is what life is about! The friendships, the mutual respect and ...the carrot cake!

So if you have time, call up that old friend of yours, the one you have been thinking about for a while. Make some time for a laugh and a tear... and share some cake!

Take my word for it!

Just Janel

Absolutely Delicious!