An insecure mind

Am I beautiful?
With my womanly hips,
With my spotted skin,
or my skew teeth?

Am I beautiful?
the uncomfortable arch of my back,
or those scars visible on my skin?
what about my unruly coloured bush,
Could it be appealing?

Could I be beautiful?
Perhaps from far? Perhaps at first glance?
or must you take the time to wait,
and learn the way around my flaws?
The journey of a thousand woes...

I am guarded and raw with disappointed hopes
My bite stings with instinctive protection
and my eyes are judgmental and cruel...but, perhaps...

You could think I am beautiful?
even just for a second, from a distance?
When you did not see my fear
when you could not sense my insecurity
And all seemed well within,
before you looked too closely and saw all I try to hide, then perhaps...
Could you love me...

The unavailable loner

The unavailable loner, who keeps you waiting...

My phone is resuscitated for the first time all day.

Beep, beep...

The usual quick check reveals a Whatsapp message awaiting response. “Family group chat” probably... or perhaps, wait... it’s him!

“Hey Stranger”

The usual entry line which follows two weeks of complete silence after the regular once a month assurance of that “date” he has promised that never quite happens. This is the routine. The sporadic conversations with the guy I have dubbed “The unavailable loner”, who, in your mind, has gone from a great dating prospect to an all round waste of time, and an unavailable “loser” of sorts.

Darn! I sure know how to pick ‘em.

This is what social media has done to the dating world. It has opened up a whole new realm of crazy prospective guys to choose from. The list of crazy has increased substantially, so much so that often you cannot seem to differentiate between them. 

Let me give you a brief layout stemming from my ample experience:

There are the nerds who see you everyday but can never quite develop the courage to approach you except online, I call them the “falsely overconfident introverts” , the “cyber stalker guy” who you have never met but insists he is not weird at all and he simply would love to become “friends”. There are the “old flames” seeking to reunite after the woman they left you for; has left them for someone else, the guy who always says hello but never quite gets to the point but his obscene statuses make him less than desirable, the “international man” who, though half way around the world, wants to take you out when he comes back to the city and thinks you believe that he has no-one else he is speaking to- please! As well as the guy you had something with at some point, who wants to meet up for drinks because he likes you best when you’re drunk ...and stupid.  

And finally, there is that guy, the one who keeps you waiting next to the phone or online for hours waiting for that “Hello”. The loner, who simply will never come through but hides behind social media for protection...to me he, is the worst of all.

Sadly, this is now the reality for the twenty-something single girl who still has not managed to find love. Sure, I hope that somewhere in the pool of weirdos there is the sincere, sweet Valentine I wait for each year, but for now, my Ok Cupid profile gives me an endless source of amusement. 

Just Janel

Been a while...

Oh wow, but it's been some time since I last visited my friends of the internet. How I have missed writing to you all! (Though I suspect this "all" is non other than my one loyal follower- my bff!). Ah well, I missed you non the less!

To be honest I recently took the last few months for me...to sort through some things that have needed sorting. But here I am, determined to be back, better than before. How fitting that it should be in this, "the month of love" that I should be back here, trying to mend the hurts of our separation! 

So sorry I left you, all forlorn and without any source of weekly love and inspiration. I will soon make it up to you my love's. It was not you... it was me. 

Trust me, we'll be in touch!

Just Janel