An insecure mind

Am I beautiful?
With my womanly hips,
With my spotted skin,
or my skew teeth?

Am I beautiful?
the uncomfortable arch of my back,
or those scars visible on my skin?
what about my unruly coloured bush,
Could it be appealing?

Could I be beautiful?
Perhaps from far? Perhaps at first glance?
or must you take the time to wait,
and learn the way around my flaws?
The journey of a thousand woes...

I am guarded and raw with disappointed hopes
My bite stings with instinctive protection
and my eyes are judgmental and cruel...but, perhaps...

You could think I am beautiful?
even just for a second, from a distance?
When you did not see my fear
when you could not sense my insecurity
And all seemed well within,
before you looked too closely and saw all I try to hide, then perhaps...
Could you love me...

The unavailable loner

The unavailable loner, who keeps you waiting...

My phone is resuscitated for the first time all day.

Beep, beep...

The usual quick check reveals a Whatsapp message awaiting response. “Family group chat” probably... or perhaps, wait... it’s him!

“Hey Stranger”

The usual entry line which follows two weeks of complete silence after the regular once a month assurance of that “date” he has promised that never quite happens. This is the routine. The sporadic conversations with the guy I have dubbed “The unavailable loner”, who, in your mind, has gone from a great dating prospect to an all round waste of time, and an unavailable “loser” of sorts.

Darn! I sure know how to pick ‘em.

This is what social media has done to the dating world. It has opened up a whole new realm of crazy prospective guys to choose from. The list of crazy has increased substantially, so much so that often you cannot seem to differentiate between them. 

Let me give you a brief layout stemming from my ample experience:

There are the nerds who see you everyday but can never quite develop the courage to approach you except online, I call them the “falsely overconfident introverts” , the “cyber stalker guy” who you have never met but insists he is not weird at all and he simply would love to become “friends”. There are the “old flames” seeking to reunite after the woman they left you for; has left them for someone else, the guy who always says hello but never quite gets to the point but his obscene statuses make him less than desirable, the “international man” who, though half way around the world, wants to take you out when he comes back to the city and thinks you believe that he has no-one else he is speaking to- please! As well as the guy you had something with at some point, who wants to meet up for drinks because he likes you best when you’re drunk ...and stupid.  

And finally, there is that guy, the one who keeps you waiting next to the phone or online for hours waiting for that “Hello”. The loner, who simply will never come through but hides behind social media for protection...to me he, is the worst of all.

Sadly, this is now the reality for the twenty-something single girl who still has not managed to find love. Sure, I hope that somewhere in the pool of weirdos there is the sincere, sweet Valentine I wait for each year, but for now, my Ok Cupid profile gives me an endless source of amusement. 

Just Janel

Been a while...

Oh wow, but it's been some time since I last visited my friends of the internet. How I have missed writing to you all! (Though I suspect this "all" is non other than my one loyal follower- my bff!). Ah well, I missed you non the less!

To be honest I recently took the last few months for me...to sort through some things that have needed sorting. But here I am, determined to be back, better than before. How fitting that it should be in this, "the month of love" that I should be back here, trying to mend the hurts of our separation! 

So sorry I left you, all forlorn and without any source of weekly love and inspiration. I will soon make it up to you my love's. It was not you... it was me. 

Trust me, we'll be in touch!

Just Janel

Turn away from my humanity

Through glassy eyes filled with salty tears
you can make no mistake of my humanity
If you doubted, now you are sure
i am fragile.

Rigid and forced, the tightened rope weakens
the strained glass cracks
the cold eyes water
i am flawed.

All that was pretense now stripped bare
and only the raw, ugly, frightful truth remains
A sight so concentrated
You cannot but turn away
to the complete awareness that,
Just like you,
Like her, and as they all do...
i hurt.

Family Values

Today at tea with my family, I looked around the table and saw God. We laughed and shared stories around a restaurant table as though it were our home because, as I later realised, they are my home. Many years ago my life began with ruin, the ruin of my family's foundation. A key piece of the puzzle lost to us forever. Now, though the space of my father's death still lingers, loss is replaced by a bond of acceptance, love and gratitude to have each other to laugh at, around a restaurant table.

The journey: Don Giovanni

It has been a week since my final Don Giovanni curtain-call at Baxter Theater, and with the relief comes that good old bitter-sweet feeling. Production time comes with late hours and exhausting physical and emotional work but also a means of truly connecting with your art. Some, I know, will never experience the unforgettable moment when, singing with the support of an orchestra, a house full of opera goers listen and watch intently as you share your soul, your voice and entrust to them the highest gift a performer can give to their audience- art.

With the joy of opera or any other art form comes great toil and difficulty, this is why it is a skill that takes a lifetime to master but this gift chooses you and once in does, your responsibility to it drives you.

When I was younger, my mom put a picture on my wall of a ballerina hard at work in a rehearsal space. The caption read: "What you have is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God". Regardless of your individual religious views, we must recognise our gifts as our responsibility, and the greater the gift; the bigger the responsibility.

I like to believe that in the end, it's the little moments that make it worth while. The backstage laughs, the jokes made from sheer boredom or the missed cues in the rehearsal room. These are the moments we remember fondly when it is all over. We remember the joy our art brought us, and we are renewed in our mission to press on in the hope that we may continue in this journey already paved for us by musicians past.

With all my Love:

Just Janel 

Sporadic Poetry...

Morning Visitor

I woke up early when the air was cold 

tip-toe, tip-toe my feet rush against the icy floor

disheveled and unkempt, the morning envelops it's visitor

Anticipation bubbles eagerly in the quiet

and its energy tickles the fingertips

it edges me to hurry on 

My steps quicken

to meet you

As thoughts cloud a sleepy mind

drunk with emotion, dizzy amidst the daydream

To taste the kindness that lives on your lips,

feel the sincerity of your touch 

to hear kindness so leisurely given 

to share the innocence of your company

for a moment to feel free.

 Just Janel